2023: “The Book of Forgiving”

This curriculum centers around “The Book of Forgiving” by Archbishop Desmond Tutu, and the agenda for each week is as follows:

Week One: Introductions

Week One: Introductions

  • Introductions
  • Create group norms
  • Introduce “The Book of Forgiving” and the Four-Fold Path
    • Why forgive?
    • The forgiveness cycle
  • Letter to self: why are you here? What do you need to forgive?
  • Next week
    • Please read chapter four and do the “Journal Exercise” on page 92
    • You may want to get a journal; if you have one, please bring it for next week.

Why Forgive?

  • Without forgiveness, we remain tethered to the person who harmed us.
    • To forgive is to release yourself from whatever trauma or hardship you have experienced and reclaim your life as your own.
  • We forgive for ourselves, to find healing and peace; we no longer suffer, physically or mentally, the corrosive effects of holding on to anger and resentment. (Forgiving is good for our health.)
    • Forgiveness is a gift that we give ourselves.
  • Forgiveness is not dependent upon others.
  • Ultimately, forgiveness is a choice we make, and the ability to forgive others comes from the recognition that we are all flawed and all human.
  • Imagine carrying a rock; it’s heavy, but light enough to carry in one hand. Imagine you cannot put it down. How would it affect your day? Would it affect your eating or sleeping? Your interactions with other people? How would it feel to finally let go? That is the power of forgiveness.

What Forgiveness is Not

  • Forgiveness is not weakness; it’s hard work and requires courage and strength.
  • To forgive is not to pretend that something didn’t happen, to “forget” what happened; nor is it an invitation to claim that an injury is less hurtful that it really is; we do not pretend things are any different than how they really are.
  • Forgiveness is not easy. It makes us vulnerable, maybe even to being hurt again. But it is the path to healing.
  • Forgiveness is not uniform. Each person will go through this cycle differently, and they will go through it differently with each experience. Take your time; forgiveness cannot be rushed.
  • Can you think of an example from when a myth about forgiving has kept you from forgiving? (Myth= forgiveness is weakness / injustice / forgetting / easy / quick)

Understanding the Fourfold Path: Telling the Story, Naming the Hurt, Granting Forgiveness, and Renewing or Releasing the Relationship

  • The revenge cycle vs. the forgiveness cycle
  • The cycle of forgiveness can be activated and completed only in absolute truth and honesty.
  • Forgiveness is simply about understanding that every one of us is both inherently good and inherently flawed. No one is their worst act. Nothing is unforgiveable.
  • What would be the best outcome that you can imagine if you were to forgive?
Week Two: Telling the Story

Week Two: Chapter Four

  • Review group norms
  • Discuss “Telling the Story”
  • Next week: Please read chapter five and do the “Journal Exercise” on page 117

“A large crowd followed him and pressed in on him. Now there was a woman who had been suffering from hemorrhages for twelve years. She had endured much under many physicians, and had spent all that she had; and she was no better, but rather grew worse. She had heard about Jesus, and came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak, for she said, ‘If I but touch his clothes, I will be made well.’ Immediately her hemorrhage stopped; and she felt in her body that she was healed of her disease. Immediately aware that power had gone forth from him, Jesus turned about in the crowd and said, ‘Who touched my clothes?’ And his disciples said to him, ‘You see the crowd pressing in on you; how can you say, “Who touched me?” ’ He looked all round to see who had done it. But the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came in fear and trembling, fell down before him, and told him the whole truth. He said to her, ‘Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace, and be healed of your disease.’ ” Mark 5:24-34

Opening Prayer

“Telling the facts of your story is the most important element of this first step, and it is how you begin to take back what was taken from you.” (page 74)

  1. As you were writing in your journal, was it easy or difficult to write out the facts of your story?
  2. Do you remember a time when you “told the facts” and it made you feel better? Why does telling the truth make us feel better?
  3. What does Tutu mean when he says that telling the facts can help take back what was taken from you?

“As long as the one to whom you tell the story is affirming, empathetic, and trustworthy, you will move forward in the process of forgiving.” (page 82)

  1. Have you ever told your story to someone who was supportive and affirming? What was that experience like?
  2. We will end the class with a chance for people to break off into pairs and share their stories.

“If you can, have empathy for why the perpetrator may have done what they did.” (page 84)

  1. This goes back to the myths that we talked about last week: that forgiving is easy, it is forgetting, it means excusing what was done, and/or it is weakness. We often don’t want to feel empathy for the perpetrator because that feels like we’re forgetting/excusing/weak. Can we have empathy and not do these things? What would that look like?
  2. Have you ever had empathy for someone who hurt you? How did you come to that place?

“It is not the trauma that defines us. It is the meaning we make of our experiences that defines us. It is the meaning we make of our experiences that defines both who we are and who we ultimately become.” (page 70)

  1. How can we make meaning out of the suffering we’ve endured? What does this look like in your life?
Week Three: Naming the Hurt

Week Three: Chapter Five

  • Review group norms
  • Discuss “Naming the Hurt”
  • Next week: Please read chapter six and do the “Journal Exercise” on page 143

“…The father said to his slaves… ‘Get the fatted calf and kill it, and let us eat andcelebrate; for this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found!’ And they began to celebrate. Now his elder son was in the field; and when he came and approached the house, he heard music and dancing. He called one of the slaves and asked what was going on. He replied, ‘Your brother has come, and your father has killed the fatted calf, because he has got him back safe and sound.’ Then he became angry and refused to go in. His father came out and began to plead with him. But he answered his father, ‘Listen! For all these years I have been working like a slave for you, and I have never disobeyed your command; yet you have never given me even a young goat so that I might celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours came back, who has devoured your property with prostitutes, you killed the fatted calf for him!’ Then the father said to him, ‘Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours. But we had to celebrate and rejoice, because this brother of yours was dead and has come to life; he was lost and has been found.’ “

Week Four: Granting Forgiveness

Week Four: Chapter Six

  • Review group norms
  • Discuss “Granting Forgiveness”
  • Next week: Please read chapter seven and do the “Journal Exercise” on page 162

“Two others also, who were criminals, were led away to be put to death with Jesus. When they came to the place that is called The Skull, they crucified Jesus there with the criminals, one on his right and one on his left. Then Jesus said, ‘Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing.’ ” Luke 23:32-34

Opening Prayer

“All our grievances are part of a larger story, and when we can understand this greater drama and the humanity of all involved, our anguish and anger are diminished.” (page 121)

  1. As you were writing in your journal, what was your experience of writing about what you shared in common with the person who harmed you? What did that feel like? Did it, in fact, diminish your anguish and anger?

“We choose forgiveness because it is how we find freedom and keep from remaining trapped in an endless loop of telling our stories and naming our hurts. It is how we move from victim to hero…Heroes are people who determine their own fate and their own future.” (page 121)

  1. Have you been able to recreate your story, this time with you as the hero? How has this changed your understanding of yourself? Or your life?

“In finding empathy and compassion, we are able to move in the direction of forgiving… It is this knowledge of my own frailty that helps me find my compassion, my empathy, my similarity, and my forgiveness for the frailty and cruelty of others.” (page 127)

  1. Are there times when finding compassion and empathy seem impossible? When are those times? Are you able to get to a place of forgiveness without first going through compassion and/or empathy?

“There is freedom in forgiveness, and when you feel this new freedom, you know you have truly forgiven.” (page 129)

  1. Have you ever felt the freedom that Tutu is talking about? When? How did you get that freedom? (What were your steps towards forgiveness?)

“The guarantee in life is that we will suffer. What is not guaranteed is how we will respond, whether we will let this suffering embitter us or ennoble us. This is our choice. How do we allow our suffering to ennoble us? We make meaning out of it and make it matter.” (page 134)

  1. After telling your story, naming your hurt, and finding compassion enough to forgive the person who harmed you, were you able to find meaning in your suffering? If so, what was that experience like?
​Week Five: Renewing or Releasing the Relationship

Week Five: Chapter Seven

  • Review group norms
  • Discuss “Renewing or Releasing the Relationship”
  • Next week: Please read chapter nine and do the “Journal Exercise” on page 214

“Jacob sent messengers before him to his brother Esau in the land of Seir, the country of Edom, instructing them, ‘Thus you shall say to my lord Esau: Thus says your servant Jacob, ‘I have lived with Laban as an alien, and stayed until now; and I have oxen, donkeys, flocks, male and female slaves; and I have sent to tell my lord, in order that I may find favor in your sight.’ The messengers returned to Jacob, saying, ‘We came to your brother Esau, and he is coming to meet you, and four hundred men are with him.’ Then Jacob was greatly afraid and distressed.

And Jacob said, ‘O God of my father Abraham and God of my father Isaac, O LORD who said to me, “Return to your country and to your kindred, and I will do you good.” Deliver me, please, from the hand of my brother, from the hand of Esau, for I am afraid of him; he may come and kill us all, the mothers with the children. Yet you have said, “I will surely do you good, and make your offspring as the sand of the sea, which cannot be counted because of their number.”

Now Jacob looked up and saw Esau coming, and four hundred men with him. So he divided the children among Leah and Rachel and the two maids. He himself went on ahead of them, bowing himself to the ground seven times, until he came near his brother. But Esau ran to meet him, and embraced him, and fell on his neck and kissed him, and they wept.” Genesis 32:3-7a, 9, 11-12, 33:1, 3-4

Opening Prayer

“Once you have been able to forgive, the final step is to either renew or release the relationship you have with the one who has harmed you.” (page 147)

  1. Have you had an experience where you had to decide between renewing or releasing a relationship? How did you decide? Were you happy with your decision? Would you make the same decision again?

“Renewing is not an act of restoration. We do not make a carbon copy of the relationship we had before the hurt or insult. Renewing a relationship is a creative act. We make a new relationship.” (page 148)

  1. Have you had the experience of renewing a relationship where you felt like you were creating a new relationship together? What was that experience like?

“A very important but difficult piece of renewing relationships is accepting responsibility for our part in any conflict.” (page 150)

  1. When we have been harmed, it is very difficult to admit that we may have had a role (although, sometimes we do not have a role). How do we come to terms with the idea of having had a role in the harm? How can we come to take responsibility for that?

“When we are hurt, we most often need the truth of why we were hurt… We may also claim restitution or recompense for what was taken or lost…Ask yourself when you need to renew or release a relationship, and then, if you can, ask it of the person who harmed you…If it is not possible to speak directly to the person who harmed you and ask of them what you need, ask it of others.” (page 152)

  1. Have you been able to ask the person who harmed you for those things you need to forgive them (the truth, an apology, etc.)? What was that experience like? Did you end up receiving what you asked for?
  2. If you were unable to ask the person who harmed you, were you able to ask another person?

“When we practice this last step of the Fourfold Path, we keep anger, resentment, hatred, and despair from ever having the last word.” (page 157)

  1. In the resurrection, death does not have the final word. In what way is the Fourfold Path like the resurrection?
Week Six: Forgiving Yourself

Week Six: Chapter Nine

  • Review group norms
  • Discuss “Forgiving Yourself”
  • Next week: Review Holy Week Schedule

“If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he who is faithful and just will forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:8-9

Opening Prayer

“The reasons for forgiving ourselves are the same as for forgiving others. It is how we become free from the past… Forgiving ourselves leads to an internal peace.” (pages 196-197)

  1. Have there ever been things for which you needed to forgive yourself? Were you able to forgive yourself? Did that experience lead to internal peace? Were you able to feel freed from your past?

“People who genuinely seek to forgive themselves are people who want to change.” (page 199)

  1. Change is difficult. People tend to avoid change. Yet, sometimes it is the only way forward. Has there been a time when you’ve realized that you needed a major change in your life? Did this decision have anything to do with needing to forgive yourself about something?
  2. Do you think it’s possible to truly forgive yourself and not change?

“Shame can be toxic. Toxic shame drives us out of connection and community and makes us believe we do not belong. It makes us think we do not deserve to be in relationships.” (page 201)

  1. Are you familiar with this isolating feeling that Tutu is describing? Have you been able to release your guilt or shame and reconnect with people? Would you have been able to reconnect with people without first releasing your guilt or shame?

“The process of self-forgiveness and lessening shame involves reaching out to a group of likeminded or accepting people and sharing your identity and experiences…When you share your experiences with others, you create new meaning out of a painful past.” (page 208)

  1. Have you had a relationship with an individual or community through which you could share your experiences and process your past? Through engaging with this person/group, were you able to make meaning out of your experience? Why or why not?
  2. Does self-forgiveness necessarily lead to a new meaning of past experiences? What has been your experience?

“We can transform our guilt and shame by using our past to be of benefit to others.” (page 209)

  1. Have you ever known anyone who suffered, and because of their suffering, they were able to be a strength to you in your suffering?
  2. Have you ever been a support to someone in their time of suffering because you had also suffered once?